Starting From the Bottom…

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A little less then two months ago, I went through a series of epiphanies (is that the correct plural for ‘epiphany‘? I’m going with it). The biggest of which was me realizing that for the past three years, I have never been fully present in my own life. The majority of decisions I’ve made in the past three years were not made for myself. They were made under the dark umbrella of my depression or my anxiety, for a boy, for a friend, to please my family, to please my coaches, or to do what I society said “I’m supposed to do”. I’m never one to say “New Year, new me!“. But, come mid-January, I realized I had completely lost myself in so many things, and that I had been left with nothing. I was forced to build a new me, and find out who I really am.

Here are some of the most important things I have realized since I hit rock bottom.

Ephiphanies:

Find home in yourself. Instead of searching for yourself in a person, a hobby, a sport, a job, school, or whatever it may be, find home in yourself. I have spent long trying to find home in so many different things, but now I am starting to find home in myself. You will never find yourself in something, or someone.

Ask yourself: What do you have when you lose everything? When you lose what matters to to you most, what you love more then anything, when you lose your everything… Who are you? Who do you have? Are you still going to be there or will you be gone with everything you lost? Make yourself into someone who is still full and happy, even when you lose it all.

It’s never too late to have faith. Religion, or a belief in something doesn’t have an application deadline in order to be accepted. I’ve always believed there was a God, but I just began to dive into my faith further, and develop a more in-depth relationship with God. No matter where you are in your journey, you can still grow more in what you choose to believe in. Never feel like it’s too late to start believing in something.

You are stronger than you’ll ever know. I have never felt like strong person. I cry a lot, I take a lot of (prescribed) pills, I see a therapist once a week. After being sent to pits of mental and emotional Hell, I’ve come out of it on top. I am okay. Until now, I never knew how much strength there is inside of me.

You cannot control other people. As badly as you want to, and as much as you think you can persuade somebody to do something, or work hard enough to make them feel something, you can’t. You have zero control over people other than yourself. You will never be able to legitimately change someone’s mind.

Erase “what if” from your vocabulary. Those two simple words will eat you alive. Letting a hundred possible scenarios play out in your head will drive you insane. Don’t bother trying to predict what will happen, or how certain things will play out. It will waste your time, and you will be disappointed by the results.

Those gut feelings aren’t always right. She didn’t reply to your text message because they were busy. You are not being ignored. Your friends don’t think you’re weird because you cried in front of them. The people at the party don’t think you’re super weird just because you aren’t talking that much. Think with your head, use logic.

The greatest pain teaches the greatest lessons. Even though right now you are in the most pain you have ever been in, whatever you are going through will teach you so much. Even though what you are going through hurts more then anything you’ve ever felt, this is the greatest lesson you will ever learn, and it will be so worth it.

Starting from the bottom is not a bad thing. Feeling like you have nothing, that you don’t know who you are without them/it, feeling completely lost and empty do not make you any less deserving of happiness. Just because you hit rock bottom does not mean you cannot grow into the best version of yourself, or that you don’t deserve to have it all. Because you do.

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