I’ve been feeling really good lately, but today I just can’t. I’m exhausted from putting up this front all the time that I’m fine. I’m tired of being positive, and compassionate, and looking at life from the ‘glass half full’ perspective.I know that sounds disgusting, that I’m tired of being a good and happy person. But I have this aching sadness inside of me that I have to use every piece of my being to cover up all the time. Today I feel hurt, and broken, and incomplete, and lost, and afraid, and angry, and confused, and defeated, and depressed, and guilty, and disappointed. The glass isn’t half full today, the glass is empty. And the worst part of it is, I’m okay with that.
I am sad as fuck.
But as I’m writing this stream of consciousness word vomit, I can’t help thinking to myself “Stop it. This will get you no where.” I feel this way, but I need to stop. I didn’t have time to do my devotional, meditation, gratitude journal, or reflection this morning, so I’ve decided to read my devotional, because maybe it will speak to me. Thoughts to follow….
“There are many things- right now- pulling at your mind and heart. But commit yourself to this time, the moments; God is here as always, your companion along the journey of faith, to help you focus on what awaits you now. Open your mind and heart to Word and Spirit and Truth. Allow love to move you and to change you, even in small ways that will call you forward.”
Well damn, Jesus. Hit the nail right on the head there. Those were the first lines I read in my devotional. I have so much heaviness on my heart right now, and this morning I failed to trust in God, and to put my faith in Him. I failed to put love into the world, but more importantly into myself. I did not focus on what awaited me for this day, for this week. I instead focused on all of the negative things. I chose to feel anger, and bitterness towards people, instead of giving love to them, despite the past.
Even when I feel like absolute shit, I need to allow God to walk beside me and show me the way. I need to allow love to move me, and change me. I need to see love in my life, and myself, even if it is in the smallest ways. God is calling me forward, to give love to this world. God is calling me forward, to give love to MYSELF. I deserve so much more than what I allowed myself to feel this morning. Yes I will still feel hurt, and abandoned, and broken, but I need to feel the love of God more. During times of hardship, I need to remember that the love of God is greater than any high, or any low in my life. He is greater than it all.
I expected this blog post just to be a rant of how I feel like shit, and how much I hate everything. Today started out bad, but I turned to the Lord, and now it will be good. He gives me the strength I need to conquer it all.